May 16 – Facing the Monsters

First off, I’ve been doing some thinking about this section of the blog and I’m honestly not sure yet what I’m going to do with it. Part of me sees the possible need for something like this when I’m actually writing. While things are in a state of flux, however, I’m not so sure just how beneficial it is.

Yeah, this gives me a place to talk about more personal things and what’s going on in my life that don’t really deal with writing per se. If I do away with it, I lose that and I’m not sure I want to give that up.

Still, I’m finding that my moods – especially my depression – have evened out quite a bit over what they were a year ago. If I continue posting low self-scores, are people going to think I’m just faking this or will they actually see this as progress?

I guess that’s one of the reasons I still want to keep it – at least in this part of the blog, I can talk about these subjects more openly. Thus, I may not do this weekly like I have been but more sporadically and focused as I feel the need. I’ll let you know more as I get some clarity around it.

What’s Been Going On

Even though I’m nowhere near as depressed as  I was a year ago, I know it’s still there. There’s still this down-trodden aspect to my life that feels foundational almost. The smallest defeat quickly turns into this internal dialogue of “see, things are never going to change. You might as well just give up.”

Looking at the political situation still going on, it’s easy to feel this way. My spouse is a news junkie and always wants me to watch some news clip on YouTube or listen to the latest escapades of the Trumpites. Honestly, I just can’t do it anymore. I hate to shut him down., but most of the time, it’s the only way I can cope right now. After more than a couple minutes, I find myself either getting extremely angry about things or extremely pessimistic, ready to just give up. It feels like all I can do is react any more and everyone is poking me through the bars of some cage I’m trapped in.

My birthday is this week and I’m also dealing with issues surrounding mortality. I think I’ve already talked about some of this, but the chances are that I’m going to outlive both my spouse and my dog. It just seems inevitable that I’m going to eventually be alone. Then what? I just don’t see me lasting much more after that. And if that’s the case, it makes today seem less important.

Thus, it just feels like the depression is this huge monster just biding it’s time. Eventually, it’s going to claim me. Sure, it’s leaving me alone right now but I still see it’s shadow when I turn around and look.

PTSD-related rage is another thing that seems right below the surface. In this regard, I find that religion seems to be a major trigger for me. It doesn’t seem to matter what religion either – whether it’s the mass deaths of Orthodox Jews caused when overcrowded bleachers collapse, or the Covid-related deaths in India due to Kumbh Mela participation or Christian antics over LGBT issues, all I have to do is hear that religion is involved and immediately I’m ready to blow.

Thus, I wonder if I’m really healing or if I’m just sublimating things better. Are my lower scores just my imagination? And is this story helping or hindering? I know that definitely, there’s going to be some religious themes in my story. Is focusing on it just bringing things to the surface? And if it is, is that bad or is it just making me face things that I’ve buried long ago?

(I guess the same could be said about the depression and mortality issues – the story has morphed somewhat it that direction so these things are apparently next on the list to face whether I want to or not.)

My greatest worry is how I end up dealing with them in the story. I don’t want the story to be such a downer that people can’t get through it. And I don’t want it to turn into some diatribe against organized religion. I’ve got to find a way to let these things out in the story in a somewhat controlled manner. Maybe if I just free write for a while on these things, all of these negative feelings and rage will burn until they’ve exhausted themselves. Then, maybe, I can find a way to get my point across in a more productive manner.

Anyway, that’s where things are at right now. If you’ve got any suggestions, feel free to let me know – I’m definitely open to hearing them. And I’ll be sure to let you know if I come up with anything too. Thanks for being here.